Catching Up

I haven't blogged for two months and I miss it so much. I feel like sometimes as a stay-at-home mom it's a good way to write about what has happened during the week since I don't always get to verbally tell someone!

In February Reed turned three. It's crazy to me that he is three. I love all the little words he says like, "perfect!" Or today when I was getting ready to go to Subway and he was coming with me and he shouts, "I'm coming, mom!" He fits the second child role well and he always keeps us on our toes! He loves snacks, Puppy Dog Pals, Little Einsteins (and anything else with music!), dinosaurs (fitting for his personality) and is my biggest snuggler.

February brought us a lot of snow and we got to go sledding with friends!

We had our annual winter family weekend which was a blast!

Rhett turned 6 months in February and I have loved every minute of it. It's been so nice being able to stay home with him (and the other two)! He is so sweet and Ryne always tells him "he's so cute I could eat him!". He is the sweetest little baby and so easy going. He is almost always happy and is used to a lot of action going on!

In March Ryne turned five. It feels like he was just born and it's proof how time really, truly flies by. Sometimes ornery, but mostly sweet..he loves Paw Patrol, Mario, and anything with trains! He can single handedly eat more pizza than me and won't eat anything with cheese (unless it's pizza!). He is the best big brother to Reed and Rhett and is so silly too. He made me a mom and I'm forever grateful for that.

Ryne had his 100th day of preschool and I couldn't help but dress him up as a little old man!

My other favorite March pictures:

Favorite April Pictures:

If you want to read part of my spiritual journey continue reading. :) If you're happy with just looking at cute pictures, you can stop here! Either way, I'm so glad you're here and a part of our journey in life!

February also marked 13 years since my dad was called home to heaven. I was 15 when he died, and I think the closer I get to being without him for as long as I had him, the more my heart feels heavy. I never thought I could survive a day, week, month, year without him, let alone 13 years. I still struggle every day. I struggle in a way people probably don't think of. Do I miss my dad? So much. My biggest struggle is understanding that just because I had something bad happen to my family, it doesn't mean I can't still be blessed. I struggle with blessings because then I always wonder what bad is going to happen. Let me back up a little.

When I was 15, my faith was as strong as ever. I was in an awesome youth group at the church I grew up in. I had awesome, Godly friends who went to the same church I did. We went on a mission trip in 2004 that change my heart, mind and soul forever. I was in 8th grade and I think that was the first time I really felt what it meant to have God in my heart. I felt like I was at my highest point in my relationship with God. It was less than a year later that God called my dad home and my brother was left paralyzed. The brother that drove to the bike trail with me so we could ride our bikes together, who drove me to school every day, who never was embarrassed that I was his little sister. I felt like I had gave my heart to God and my faith was crushed..shattered. When I say shattered I mean completely shattered. A million tiny little pieces that I always wondered..but never knew if the pieces...if I could be put back together. I stopped going to youth group, I didn't go on any more mission trips, and I was a hit or miss at church. The college I went to had a church on campus that I attended a few times with friends, but my heart never felt like it was really all there. When I moved back to my hometown, the church I grew up in had an awesome pastor and Derek and I started attending there again. We were married there and Ryne was baptized. A part of me was still missing. A part of me felt like if I were to let God in, something bad would happen to me again. I went the easy route, and chose to shut God out. If I didn't have faith, nothing bad could happen to me. We moved for Derek's career and I still have three of the best friends from moving there. But as I've wrote before, I struggled with our last move when Derek's career once again moved us. I struggled a lot. I was already in a bad place from leaving a job that had broken me, so moving to a town I was adamant I didn't want to be in was the icing on a bad piece of cake I didn't want to eat. Why me? I lived next to one of my best friends, I had left my job and began healing, I was in a good place in my life, why was I being taken from it? I cried, I cried a lot..I cried a lot to a God I struggled leaning on.

Our realtor, Hilary, drove us down a road that went by the Methodist church. She told us she attended there and that when Sunday School started back up at the beginning of the school year that there would be a train theme. She knew Ryne loved trains. I always wanted my kids to grow up in the church. I was confirmed in my hometown church with kids that I was in Sunday School with from when we were little. It started the week after I had Rhett, so Derek took Ryne to Sunday School and then took him to church. I asked him if he liked it, and he said he really enjoyed the pastor's sermon. We had only been in town for a month and I didn't want people to think he was a single parent, so I decided to go with him the following week. The first time Pastor Dave prayed, I cried. I honestly don't know if it was from hormones from just having Rhett, from the emotions I still carried from moving and being sad, from the fact I hadn't folded my hands and actually prayed to God for longer than I care to admit, or a combination of them all.

It became routine. We went to church every Sunday. Ryne loved Sunday School and always was excited to go. He came home singing songs like "Go Tell It On The Mountain", "Happy All the Time", "B-I-B-L-E". Every time he came home singing a new song about Jesus and God my heart would melt. Every Sunday I listened to a message that touched my heart and changed me. I began wanting to go to church and I longed for God's grace. I saw Hilary there every Sunday. Tiffany showed me the way to the nursery to take my kids one Sunday (when I took them all up to take communion and was struggling with three kids, two hands, a piece of bread and a cup of juice). Amanda was in the young woman's Sunday School class I joined. Her husband was in the young men's class with Derek. Her husband was a contractor (and look at our house now!). Ryne's best friend at preschool was in Sunday School and his mom Kristine was also in our young woman's Sunday School class. All I could see now was grace, salvation, forgiveness, love..love..love. His arms were reached out ready for me to run to Him. He knew I would never get there unless I came to the town I swore I'd never be in.

I have the best friends (new and old) and I can't imagine life without any of them. We have a loving God, not a vindictive one. I am learning to let the blessings flow.

I saw the movie "I Can Only Imagine" with Hilary and Tiffany and I ugly cried the whole time. Like so many people, that song was played on repeat after my dad died and my brother was left paralyzed, as I longed for a promise from God.  It made me miss my dad and it made me grateful for the relationship I had with him when he was here. I was sitting with two of my best friends that didn't know me during that time of my life, but care about me for who I am now. I felt grace. I felt like this path I was on had led me to this moment in my life.

I pray that anyone struggling with their faith like I did, will find the path that leads them to the grace and love and forgiveness that we all deserve. I pray for anyone who is shattered and feels like there's no way so many pieces could be put back together. Don't put up your umbrella to God's blessings, let them pour down on you.

xoxo
J