A New Year

I've been meaning to write about why I was looking so forward to 2018, and then 2018 happened and it's almost February and here I am! 

I know I'm crazy, but why didn't anyone warn me that I'd be REALLY crazy when Ryne got his tonsils out? I wish I had a cute picture of him in a hospital gown, or of me snuggling him, or of him peacefully sleeping..but I'm going to be really honest here, it sucked so bad I thought I was going to have to commit myself..and I wasn't even the one who got my tonsils out! Everyone told us days 4-5 were the worst..days 4-5 came and I was feeling pretty good about things. Hello day 7 & 8..so glad you made your vicious, screaming, absolutely no sleep, crazy, psycho appearance. No one told me about you! I definitely wasn't prepared for you. In fact, if I would have known those days were going to be the worst, I think I would have called in sick and taken a personal day. That's a thing as a stay-at-home-mom, right? I think I've officially mastered forcing medicine down a kid's throat and pouring water all over his face to get him to drink.  But seriously, I took zero pictures of this event..and all the great moms in the world are thanking me for that. If I had a dollar for every time he asked me to have his tonsils back in I'd have enough to go buy me 10 McDoubles from McDonald's..with a large Dr. Pepper.

Minus the 2018 tonsil removal, I have been really looking forward to this year. If I'm being completely honest here, 2017 was a really, really hard year for me. To be even more honest, it was one of the worst I've ever had. This makes me so sad to say, because it was also one of the best years since Rhett was born, and I don't want the negative to take away from one of the best days, but 2017 was hard. 

I think this is so hard for anyone to actually admit. I feel like it's expected when you ask someone how they are that they reply, "good". Because honestly, does the person checking me out at the grocery store really want to know that I'm tired of cleaning pee up around the toilet, on the wall, on the vanity, pretty much anywhere but the toilet..or my disappointment when I went to grab some Oreo's to dip in a nice, cold glass of milk only to realize that someone (Reed) ate all the frosting out of them but left the round, chocolate pieces in the package? I'm guessing they don't. Sometimes I think saying you're good can convince you that you're good too. Because really I am good, with some sprinkles of stress, exhaustion, hunger..

2017 was a trying year. I quit my job that I had once loved for reasons I don't need to mention here. I cried every night my last two weeks, not because I was sad I was leaving..but because I was so depressed from it. I don't use the word depressed lightly either. I understand how bad and severe depression can be, but I'm telling you all honestly, I was depressed. The only thing that was keeping me going was my family. Derek would tell me every night that I was one day closer. One of my best friends messaged me every day to see if I was okay, and I'll never forget walking over to my neighbor's house after my last day. I would have drank all the Red, White & Blue wine in my fridge, but I was pregnant with baby Rhett so I celebrated with a Cherry Pepsi instead. 

It was soon after I quit my job that Derek was coming to terms that he would be looking for a new job too. I asked him every day what jobs were open, I looked every day at what houses were on the market in those towns, I begged him that no matter where he chose out of the places he interviewed, that we absolutely could not end up here.

 I just imagine God laughed at me..because here we are! The exact place I begged Derek to not go. I vividly remember the night he talked to the superintendent, verbally accepting the offer to come here. I sat on the floor, folding laundry sobbing. I sobbed for a solid hour, it could have been more maybe. I honestly never told him congratulations, I never told him I was proud of him or happy for him. I just cried. I don't say this for you to feel bad for me, I say this because I'm human and I have guilt. I wish I would have put aside my fears and wants and celebrated with him. That night is gone now and I can't get it back. I can't change how I reacted, but if I could I would.

I wish I would have celebrated with Derek and I wish I would have praised God instead of cursing Him. How many times I asked God "why", when I should have been praising Him for the blessings he was pouring down on my family. We've lived here six months now, and if I would have known then what I know now..we would have taken a week long vacation to a tropical resort to celebrate! Derek's motto about the move has been, "Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but this time it was the most beautiful, luscious, green grass I could have ever imagined." My motto has been that it's the best change in life I didn't know I needed.

We have found a great church, great friends and are building our lives in the one place I was adamant we wouldn't. Of course there's still hard days, there's days I wish I could walk next door to our neighbor's house, go out for pedicures or eat at the best Chinese restaurant...but 95% of the time, I'm content and happy. It wasn't until recently that I could say this, it took weeks...months of adapting to finally be content.

If you're going through your own personal Hell and feel like having a pity party for yourself, do it. Feel sorry for yourself for 5 minutes out of your day, and then keep pushing through so you can get to life's ultimate goal: happiness.

2017 brought hurt, sadness, regret, anger..but it also began to repair me and strengthen me to be a better human being.

I turned 28 on the 18th, got a horrible picture taken for my new ID, and celebrated with a princess-themed party that Ryne was adamant I have since I'm the only girl in the family. :)  My mom came over so I could go get the horrible picture taken, but then Ryne snapped this picture of the third borns!

 Rhett turned 5 months on the 22nd which is INSANE to me. I literally feel like I just birthed that sweet baby into life and here he is..already five months old. Reed turns 3 in a couple weeks and Ryne will turn 5 not long after, and I just could have quite a few tears. I love watching them grow and learn, but it honestly feels like yesterday that I had those boys and would snuggle their sweet little baby selves to sleep.

Holy cow, if you made it here you deserve a gold sticker! I didn't realize how long that would be until I just couldn't stop! Now I'm going to go clean up the Power Rangers that got stuck into the cinnamon rolls and wrestle Reed into some underwear so that he isn't streaking around all day.

Thank you to all of you who have been a constant support system in my life. The originals that have known me since birth, the ones who I grew up with, or the ones who I've formed a relationship with after. Thanks for being the best tribe of people. I got through last year because of all of you, even if you didn't know you were helping. 

xoxo

J

P.S. 1. Go Patriots! (Really I'm more into the food) 2. PLEASE Punxsutawney Phil..don't see your shadow! We need spring!