Catching Up

I haven't blogged for two months and I miss it so much. I feel like sometimes as a stay-at-home mom it's a good way to write about what has happened during the week since I don't always get to verbally tell someone!

In February Reed turned three. It's crazy to me that he is three. I love all the little words he says like, "perfect!" Or today when I was getting ready to go to Subway and he was coming with me and he shouts, "I'm coming, mom!" He fits the second child role well and he always keeps us on our toes! He loves snacks, Puppy Dog Pals, Little Einsteins (and anything else with music!), dinosaurs (fitting for his personality) and is my biggest snuggler.

February brought us a lot of snow and we got to go sledding with friends!

We had our annual winter family weekend which was a blast!

Rhett turned 6 months in February and I have loved every minute of it. It's been so nice being able to stay home with him (and the other two)! He is so sweet and Ryne always tells him "he's so cute I could eat him!". He is the sweetest little baby and so easy going. He is almost always happy and is used to a lot of action going on!

In March Ryne turned five. It feels like he was just born and it's proof how time really, truly flies by. Sometimes ornery, but mostly sweet..he loves Paw Patrol, Mario, and anything with trains! He can single handedly eat more pizza than me and won't eat anything with cheese (unless it's pizza!). He is the best big brother to Reed and Rhett and is so silly too. He made me a mom and I'm forever grateful for that.

Ryne had his 100th day of preschool and I couldn't help but dress him up as a little old man!

My other favorite March pictures:

Favorite April Pictures:

If you want to read part of my spiritual journey continue reading. :) If you're happy with just looking at cute pictures, you can stop here! Either way, I'm so glad you're here and a part of our journey in life!

February also marked 13 years since my dad was called home to heaven. I was 15 when he died, and I think the closer I get to being without him for as long as I had him, the more my heart feels heavy. I never thought I could survive a day, week, month, year without him, let alone 13 years. I still struggle every day. I struggle in a way people probably don't think of. Do I miss my dad? So much. My biggest struggle is understanding that just because I had something bad happen to my family, it doesn't mean I can't still be blessed. I struggle with blessings because then I always wonder what bad is going to happen. Let me back up a little.

When I was 15, my faith was as strong as ever. I was in an awesome youth group at the church I grew up in. I had awesome, Godly friends who went to the same church I did. We went on a mission trip in 2004 that change my heart, mind and soul forever. I was in 8th grade and I think that was the first time I really felt what it meant to have God in my heart. I felt like I was at my highest point in my relationship with God. It was less than a year later that God called my dad home and my brother was left paralyzed. The brother that drove to the bike trail with me so we could ride our bikes together, who drove me to school every day, who never was embarrassed that I was his little sister. I felt like I had gave my heart to God and my faith was crushed..shattered. When I say shattered I mean completely shattered. A million tiny little pieces that I always wondered..but never knew if the pieces...if I could be put back together. I stopped going to youth group, I didn't go on any more mission trips, and I was a hit or miss at church. The college I went to had a church on campus that I attended a few times with friends, but my heart never felt like it was really all there. When I moved back to my hometown, the church I grew up in had an awesome pastor and Derek and I started attending there again. We were married there and Ryne was baptized. A part of me was still missing. A part of me felt like if I were to let God in, something bad would happen to me again. I went the easy route, and chose to shut God out. If I didn't have faith, nothing bad could happen to me. We moved for Derek's career and I still have three of the best friends from moving there. But as I've wrote before, I struggled with our last move when Derek's career once again moved us. I struggled a lot. I was already in a bad place from leaving a job that had broken me, so moving to a town I was adamant I didn't want to be in was the icing on a bad piece of cake I didn't want to eat. Why me? I lived next to one of my best friends, I had left my job and began healing, I was in a good place in my life, why was I being taken from it? I cried, I cried a lot..I cried a lot to a God I struggled leaning on.

Our realtor, Hilary, drove us down a road that went by the Methodist church. She told us she attended there and that when Sunday School started back up at the beginning of the school year that there would be a train theme. She knew Ryne loved trains. I always wanted my kids to grow up in the church. I was confirmed in my hometown church with kids that I was in Sunday School with from when we were little. It started the week after I had Rhett, so Derek took Ryne to Sunday School and then took him to church. I asked him if he liked it, and he said he really enjoyed the pastor's sermon. We had only been in town for a month and I didn't want people to think he was a single parent, so I decided to go with him the following week. The first time Pastor Dave prayed, I cried. I honestly don't know if it was from hormones from just having Rhett, from the emotions I still carried from moving and being sad, from the fact I hadn't folded my hands and actually prayed to God for longer than I care to admit, or a combination of them all.

It became routine. We went to church every Sunday. Ryne loved Sunday School and always was excited to go. He came home singing songs like "Go Tell It On The Mountain", "Happy All the Time", "B-I-B-L-E". Every time he came home singing a new song about Jesus and God my heart would melt. Every Sunday I listened to a message that touched my heart and changed me. I began wanting to go to church and I longed for God's grace. I saw Hilary there every Sunday. Tiffany showed me the way to the nursery to take my kids one Sunday (when I took them all up to take communion and was struggling with three kids, two hands, a piece of bread and a cup of juice). Amanda was in the young woman's Sunday School class I joined. Her husband was in the young men's class with Derek. Her husband was a contractor (and look at our house now!). Ryne's best friend at preschool was in Sunday School and his mom Kristine was also in our young woman's Sunday School class. All I could see now was grace, salvation, forgiveness, love..love..love. His arms were reached out ready for me to run to Him. He knew I would never get there unless I came to the town I swore I'd never be in.

I have the best friends (new and old) and I can't imagine life without any of them. We have a loving God, not a vindictive one. I am learning to let the blessings flow.

I saw the movie "I Can Only Imagine" with Hilary and Tiffany and I ugly cried the whole time. Like so many people, that song was played on repeat after my dad died and my brother was left paralyzed, as I longed for a promise from God.  It made me miss my dad and it made me grateful for the relationship I had with him when he was here. I was sitting with two of my best friends that didn't know me during that time of my life, but care about me for who I am now. I felt grace. I felt like this path I was on had led me to this moment in my life.

I pray that anyone struggling with their faith like I did, will find the path that leads them to the grace and love and forgiveness that we all deserve. I pray for anyone who is shattered and feels like there's no way so many pieces could be put back together. Don't put up your umbrella to God's blessings, let them pour down on you.

xoxo
J

A New Year

I've been meaning to write about why I was looking so forward to 2018, and then 2018 happened and it's almost February and here I am! 

I know I'm crazy, but why didn't anyone warn me that I'd be REALLY crazy when Ryne got his tonsils out? I wish I had a cute picture of him in a hospital gown, or of me snuggling him, or of him peacefully sleeping..but I'm going to be really honest here, it sucked so bad I thought I was going to have to commit myself..and I wasn't even the one who got my tonsils out! Everyone told us days 4-5 were the worst..days 4-5 came and I was feeling pretty good about things. Hello day 7 & 8..so glad you made your vicious, screaming, absolutely no sleep, crazy, psycho appearance. No one told me about you! I definitely wasn't prepared for you. In fact, if I would have known those days were going to be the worst, I think I would have called in sick and taken a personal day. That's a thing as a stay-at-home-mom, right? I think I've officially mastered forcing medicine down a kid's throat and pouring water all over his face to get him to drink.  But seriously, I took zero pictures of this event..and all the great moms in the world are thanking me for that. If I had a dollar for every time he asked me to have his tonsils back in I'd have enough to go buy me 10 McDoubles from McDonald's..with a large Dr. Pepper.

Minus the 2018 tonsil removal, I have been really looking forward to this year. If I'm being completely honest here, 2017 was a really, really hard year for me. To be even more honest, it was one of the worst I've ever had. This makes me so sad to say, because it was also one of the best years since Rhett was born, and I don't want the negative to take away from one of the best days, but 2017 was hard. 

I think this is so hard for anyone to actually admit. I feel like it's expected when you ask someone how they are that they reply, "good". Because honestly, does the person checking me out at the grocery store really want to know that I'm tired of cleaning pee up around the toilet, on the wall, on the vanity, pretty much anywhere but the toilet..or my disappointment when I went to grab some Oreo's to dip in a nice, cold glass of milk only to realize that someone (Reed) ate all the frosting out of them but left the round, chocolate pieces in the package? I'm guessing they don't. Sometimes I think saying you're good can convince you that you're good too. Because really I am good, with some sprinkles of stress, exhaustion, hunger..

2017 was a trying year. I quit my job that I had once loved for reasons I don't need to mention here. I cried every night my last two weeks, not because I was sad I was leaving..but because I was so depressed from it. I don't use the word depressed lightly either. I understand how bad and severe depression can be, but I'm telling you all honestly, I was depressed. The only thing that was keeping me going was my family. Derek would tell me every night that I was one day closer. One of my best friends messaged me every day to see if I was okay, and I'll never forget walking over to my neighbor's house after my last day. I would have drank all the Red, White & Blue wine in my fridge, but I was pregnant with baby Rhett so I celebrated with a Cherry Pepsi instead. 

It was soon after I quit my job that Derek was coming to terms that he would be looking for a new job too. I asked him every day what jobs were open, I looked every day at what houses were on the market in those towns, I begged him that no matter where he chose out of the places he interviewed, that we absolutely could not end up here.

 I just imagine God laughed at me..because here we are! The exact place I begged Derek to not go. I vividly remember the night he talked to the superintendent, verbally accepting the offer to come here. I sat on the floor, folding laundry sobbing. I sobbed for a solid hour, it could have been more maybe. I honestly never told him congratulations, I never told him I was proud of him or happy for him. I just cried. I don't say this for you to feel bad for me, I say this because I'm human and I have guilt. I wish I would have put aside my fears and wants and celebrated with him. That night is gone now and I can't get it back. I can't change how I reacted, but if I could I would.

I wish I would have celebrated with Derek and I wish I would have praised God instead of cursing Him. How many times I asked God "why", when I should have been praising Him for the blessings he was pouring down on my family. We've lived here six months now, and if I would have known then what I know now..we would have taken a week long vacation to a tropical resort to celebrate! Derek's motto about the move has been, "Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but this time it was the most beautiful, luscious, green grass I could have ever imagined." My motto has been that it's the best change in life I didn't know I needed.

We have found a great church, great friends and are building our lives in the one place I was adamant we wouldn't. Of course there's still hard days, there's days I wish I could walk next door to our neighbor's house, go out for pedicures or eat at the best Chinese restaurant...but 95% of the time, I'm content and happy. It wasn't until recently that I could say this, it took weeks...months of adapting to finally be content.

If you're going through your own personal Hell and feel like having a pity party for yourself, do it. Feel sorry for yourself for 5 minutes out of your day, and then keep pushing through so you can get to life's ultimate goal: happiness.

2017 brought hurt, sadness, regret, anger..but it also began to repair me and strengthen me to be a better human being.

I turned 28 on the 18th, got a horrible picture taken for my new ID, and celebrated with a princess-themed party that Ryne was adamant I have since I'm the only girl in the family. :)  My mom came over so I could go get the horrible picture taken, but then Ryne snapped this picture of the third borns!

 Rhett turned 5 months on the 22nd which is INSANE to me. I literally feel like I just birthed that sweet baby into life and here he is..already five months old. Reed turns 3 in a couple weeks and Ryne will turn 5 not long after, and I just could have quite a few tears. I love watching them grow and learn, but it honestly feels like yesterday that I had those boys and would snuggle their sweet little baby selves to sleep.

Holy cow, if you made it here you deserve a gold sticker! I didn't realize how long that would be until I just couldn't stop! Now I'm going to go clean up the Power Rangers that got stuck into the cinnamon rolls and wrestle Reed into some underwear so that he isn't streaking around all day.

Thank you to all of you who have been a constant support system in my life. The originals that have known me since birth, the ones who I grew up with, or the ones who I've formed a relationship with after. Thanks for being the best tribe of people. I got through last year because of all of you, even if you didn't know you were helping. 

xoxo

J

P.S. 1. Go Patriots! (Really I'm more into the food) 2. PLEASE Punxsutawney Phil..don't see your shadow! We need spring! 

2018!

So the Philips family went of the grid for quite a few weeks. I'm not sure if it was the anticipation of Santa, the fear of Santa taking Reed's binkies, the fact that our house looks like Toys R Us took a poop in it..somewhere, somehow I lost sense of time and haven't posted forever!

While we were gone:

Dec 15: Rhett had his 3.75ish month pictures taken! I'm so impressed with myself that I'm keeping up with pictures. It was so fun and of course they turned out just perfect! He is such a happy little guy. :)

Dec 17: Our family was all in our church play! Joseph (Derek), Mary (me!), a cherub (Ryne), a lamb (Reed) and Baby Jesus (Rhett). It was so much fun! Our church and church family has been one of the best things about moving. I wish I would have had a picture of how Derek had his headpiece tied during practice..he had it tied around his head like a ninja. HA! Reed didn't go down at practice, so I was shocked when he went down during the play! He had his lamb head on backwards and a binky in his mouth, but hey! At least he went down. :)

Dec 22: Rhett turned 4 months old. How is this even possible? Time has gone so fast and I just feel so lucky to be able to stay home with the boys. Baby Rhett is such an easy going baby..it's totally a third-born thing. :)

Dec 23: Reed's last day with his binky. We laid them out on a plate for Santa to take. Santa came a day early so that we could go see our families over Christmas! It surprisingly went better than I could have ever imagined. He was so obsessed with that thing! I had my expectations low, but he really has done such a great job!

Dec 24: We leave for our family Christmas and know 100% sure that we have a WHITE CHRISTMAS! Holy cow, my whole heart was exploding. The best part is that it's still here! My dad loved snow so it must be in my genes (better than my jeans!). 

Dec 26: The boys are so excited because Santa brought Rhett bubbles and they get to use them! I'm extra cautious with bubbles, so having them is a treat to our kids! Nothing better than soaking in some bubbles delivered by the big man! 

So much togetherness over break...sometimes when five people are all smooshed in a house together because it's freezing cold outside, you realize that there is a such thing as TOO much togetherness. Sorry Rhett, I feel the same...me too, me too.

Other random Dec pictures:

I added Benny the Bunny to my decor collection and he is my new favorite. He will be my seasonal bunny, next Christmas he will have a little wreath around his neck! :) 

One week in December it's in the 50s and you can wear your dinosaur underwear and cowboy boots to take your brother to preschool..the next the ground is covered in snow!

 He's got that mean muggin' pout down! Reed ruined his snowman ornament he made at preschool and I'm not even kidding you, it was a rough couple of days. Tears, more tears, yelling, pouting..luckily his teacher helped him make a new one! Mended his little soul and also kept me from losing my sanity! You betcha that snowman ornament was hung at the top of the tree so no little hands could grab it and destroy it again!

 Fun snacks are a must during the holidays! Some plain popcorn kernels cooked, pretzels, M&Ms and almond bark! Oh, and the most important..sprinkles! I used 1/2 cup of popcorn kernels, a few handfuls of pretzels (or however many you think look good in it!), a bag of M&Ms, and a block of almond bark! Mix the ingredients together in a large bowl and drizzle the almond bark over all the yummy goodness! Gently mix so that the almond bark coats the deliciousness and pour onto a pan! So easy, so fast..it didn't even make it into a container before someone's little fingers were picking at it!

2018: My BIG announcement! I'm opening a home decor store called James & Jute! It will start online (or you can stop by my "warehouse" if you're local!) but I hope to expand to a store front in our community eventually! James (Jim) after my dad and Jute because I thought it went well together! Ha! It's been a dream of mine and one day I just decided to shut out all the fears and worries and go for it. So here I am, going for it! My team & crew are busy working away to get the website going and the product here so we can start the fun! There will be a daily home decor release and live video showing you what the items look like and how you can use them in your home! COMING SOON! Real soon..real, real soon. I think my New York website man is probably tired of me contacting him a million times. He might be just as excited as I am to get it up and going! We'll have rustic, farmhouse, vintage, old-looking-new-stuff..something different every day to keep the fun and excitement going! Cheers to 2018..and the start of James & Jute and to everyone for their continued support!

xoxo

J